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"Personal leadership is the process of keeping your vision and values before you and aligning your life to be congruent with them."
~ Stephen Covey
The theme of this years International Women's Day is the ending of violence against women, a cause I am strongly for. However, in this post I shall focus on a different issue affecting women, and in specific young women, i.e virginity. I must admit I am no expert on the topic and shall not venture into the never ending controversial debate in search of the ultimate definition of virginity. The word therefore, with reference to this article, is to be taken in its most basic sense; relating to the state of never having had sexual intercourse.
I once sat with a group of friends where numerous issues were being raised and discussed. At some point, sex was brought up and I was asked to give my two cents on the topic. My reply was simple, I had no contribution or opinion on the matter as I am a virgin. Suddenly there seemed to be some sort of spotlight trade, sex lost all the attention and my virginity had big, bright lights all up in her face. I mean there had to be something wrong with me. There was all kinds of comments from, "you don't know what you're missing" to "you need to get you some". To be honest that was not really much of a surprise since I get that all the time so i'd be surprised instead if I was made to feel perfectly normal.
In the Dinka tradition, women are raised to be virgins, or rather to remain so, and when it comes to marriage, the dowry price is higher if the woman is a virgin(a sort of gesture from the groom to the brides family appreciating they raised a 'good girl' and a symbol of pride for the bride's family). I'm sure this applies to many cultures but I specifically mentioned the Dinka as that's where i'm from(maternal side of my family) and i'm familiar with. Per contra, today, girls are having sex at a young age, with the average age being seventeen. Many of them from peer pressure, a need to conform, others do it for some sort of "cool" status i.e to be able to say "I slept with so and so", and some have a misconstrued sense of self-worth i.e "If he slept with me, that means i'm worth it".
Sometimes I go on youtube and watch the Maury show. I watch young women of the age of 18,19,20, you name it, come on the show to "find the father of their children" because they had multiple lovers and don't even know who impregnated them. The problem here is never that they slept with 50 men or had one night stands, because that is perfectly normal in contemporary society, but that they don't know which one was the father. I mean, it's not a situation that can be changed because what's done is done and it's great that you want to find your child's father but did it really have to get to that point? After all, isn't your body sacred?
I can sit here and point fingers all around and blame the consumerist society we have today, how sex has been glorified, and how we have role models who just promote it further but that would not change a thing here because unless we all switch of the TV's and get on the streets to protest against such(which is highly unlikely), nothing will change. Now don't get me wrong, I am no Mormon telling you that you are impure if you have sex before marriage or that you should take a vow of chastity. I am not even here to judge your life decisions and tell you when it is right for you to have sex or not have sex for that matter. Instead, i'm here for that young girl who feels they need to do certain things to conform to society. The high school girl who will not proudly admit that she is a virgin because she will feel like an outcast. The young girl who feels a sense of embarrassment when everyone is talking about sex and she has no insight on it or the young girl who feels that she has to sleep with this guy because that is the only way he'll stay with her.
I once sat with a group of friends where numerous issues were being raised and discussed. At some point, sex was brought up and I was asked to give my two cents on the topic. My reply was simple, I had no contribution or opinion on the matter as I am a virgin. Suddenly there seemed to be some sort of spotlight trade, sex lost all the attention and my virginity had big, bright lights all up in her face. I mean there had to be something wrong with me. There was all kinds of comments from, "you don't know what you're missing" to "you need to get you some". To be honest that was not really much of a surprise since I get that all the time so i'd be surprised instead if I was made to feel perfectly normal.
In the Dinka tradition, women are raised to be virgins, or rather to remain so, and when it comes to marriage, the dowry price is higher if the woman is a virgin(a sort of gesture from the groom to the brides family appreciating they raised a 'good girl' and a symbol of pride for the bride's family). I'm sure this applies to many cultures but I specifically mentioned the Dinka as that's where i'm from(maternal side of my family) and i'm familiar with. Per contra, today, girls are having sex at a young age, with the average age being seventeen. Many of them from peer pressure, a need to conform, others do it for some sort of "cool" status i.e to be able to say "I slept with so and so", and some have a misconstrued sense of self-worth i.e "If he slept with me, that means i'm worth it".
Sometimes I go on youtube and watch the Maury show. I watch young women of the age of 18,19,20, you name it, come on the show to "find the father of their children" because they had multiple lovers and don't even know who impregnated them. The problem here is never that they slept with 50 men or had one night stands, because that is perfectly normal in contemporary society, but that they don't know which one was the father. I mean, it's not a situation that can be changed because what's done is done and it's great that you want to find your child's father but did it really have to get to that point? After all, isn't your body sacred?
I can sit here and point fingers all around and blame the consumerist society we have today, how sex has been glorified, and how we have role models who just promote it further but that would not change a thing here because unless we all switch of the TV's and get on the streets to protest against such(which is highly unlikely), nothing will change. Now don't get me wrong, I am no Mormon telling you that you are impure if you have sex before marriage or that you should take a vow of chastity. I am not even here to judge your life decisions and tell you when it is right for you to have sex or not have sex for that matter. Instead, i'm here for that young girl who feels they need to do certain things to conform to society. The high school girl who will not proudly admit that she is a virgin because she will feel like an outcast. The young girl who feels a sense of embarrassment when everyone is talking about sex and she has no insight on it or the young girl who feels that she has to sleep with this guy because that is the only way he'll stay with her.
I write this because as I always say, I have a younger sister whom I want to grow up knowing there is EVERYTHING right with her for being a virgin and that it is something to be proud of and not ashamed of. In the words of one tweep, "Women if you are a virgin, hold that. Reserve that. No need to rush and if a dude can't wait, forget him". So i'm not here to ask anyone to remain a virgin or condemn someone for not being one, but to simply ask every young girl to do everything at their own pace. Reserve that virginity for when YOU are ready, not when THEY THINK you are or should be ready. Never conform.
On the other hand, as a friend put it to me, "sometimes people lose their virginity because they're in love, and that's okay too, but when you fall out of love, remember that your body is still a temple whether 'pure' or 'impure'" :)
In other news, I wish you all a HAPPY WOMENS DAY!!! Let us remember all those women living in conflicts and being marginalised by tyrannical regimes and while at it, stop and find out how you can give them a voice or lend a helping hand. Most importantly, never forget your self worth as a woman. Respect yourself and remember YOU ARE ROYAL.
On that note, I leave you with this beautiful piece I came across earlier today.
The Beauty of A Woman
The beauty of a woman
Is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries,
Or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows,
And the beauty of a woman
With passing years only grows!
~ Teresa Mahieu
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